Perhaps it's what people call paranoia, but in sober life I don't think of myself as paranoid. It's weird how when you're high you realize different things about yourself. Usually I think about the people and things going on around me, and often fail to understand them. I don't know a lot about celebrities, lyrics to rap music, sports, name brands, and other forms of pop culture. I sometimes think that all I understand in the world is sex. I usually smoke with guys, who usually become so high that they are no longer motivated to sleep with me, or even try to sleep with me, and that somehow confuses the shit out of my high brain and I can't relate to them on any other level because all they want to talk about is shit I don't understand.
In high school, we once smoked by the train tracks. My girl friend "turned into a train" as she recalls. I mean... this girl thought she was a train, and that her life was determined by where the tracks were going. She wondered whether the tracks would take her to college, and how she would get home later. She hoped she had enough fuel to get her passengers where they wanted to go. Damn. Wish I had that kind of metaphorical insight sometimes.
Last time I had a symbolic high, I thought I had died and went to hell. I got sick of being high and just wanted to get fucked, but I was stuck in the passenger's seat of JW's car as we drove through some back roads late at night, and I thought I was never getting out. The roads seemed to never end. For some people this might be called a bad trip. For me this was the night preceding the day I lost my virginity, to the very same JW that had given me the weed. And who was also a virgin at the time. Notice the time frame. Yeah, it was a long time ago.
Point of story, I don't get symbolic and inquisitive about fun stuff when I'm high. Not that I haven't had good times smoking weed before, but usually it involves some combination of weed and alcohol, which makes me feel a lot more socialized. I'm probably too much of an extrovert to enjoy the feeling of "I just don't give a fuck," because I always have, and I always will. People say that it takes some getting used to. I guess I never want to get used to the feeling of being alone and unproductive.
